


i wish i was mad

by yo_let_me_get_a_milkyway



Category: In the Heights - Miranda/Hudes
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, References to Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26050042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yo_let_me_get_a_milkyway/pseuds/yo_let_me_get_a_milkyway
Summary: a take on how i think benny would respond to usnavi leaving.
Relationships: Benny/Usnavi (In the Heights)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	i wish i was mad

**Author's Note:**

> this was. SO MESSY. i churned this out in the middle of the day. a part two is inevitable. 
> 
> all italicized dialogue is from the ith script. bless quiara for bringing these messes to life.

Usnavi stared at his reflection on the counter. 

The counter. The messy, stained counter, after all his years of persistently wiping at it, was finally clean while his raggedy ass sat on it. Like it was begging him to stay as well, to keep his buttocks on the glass and keep serving customers. Next to the weight of the cash in his pocket and Abuela's disappearance. Like  _ this entire bodega _ . 

He saw his cousin Sonny at the door. Pretends not to see him so he knows if Sonny's trying to nail it in for him, before he yells " _ Sonny! Stop pretending you can't hear me! _ " The boy's probably grieving still. They need to talk. 

Sonny's shoulders are slumped, probably tired, as he enters the bodega. " _ State your purpose _ ."

Usnavi drops a wad of cash in Sonny's palm. " _ Here's some of that lunch money _ ," he told him, trying his best to sound not-tired. " _ Go buy a couple of pepperoni slices _ ."

His cousin sighed. " _ So this is what it comes down to? _ " He held up the wad of cash. " _ My severance package? _ "

" _ Money and liberty _ ." Usnavi said, rubbing at a pain in his head. " _ What you've always wanted. I'm freeing you, you're free _ ."

As he hopped off the glass, Sonny followed him with an offended noise. " _ You think Bert would abandon Ernie? _ " The boy asked while he dragged a bunch of rice bags to aisle three, gesturing to the window. " _ You think Knight Rider would be anything without Kit? He'd be taking a bus!" _

The door jangled as Usnavi shoved the 50 pound bags on the bottom shelf with a huff. " _ You watch too much TV. Can we talk about this tomorrow? _ "

" _ Fine, _ " Sonny decided. " _ Byee! See ya! This- _ " Sonny gestured between them. " _ This is the end of an era! _ "

Sonny left, punctuating his little statement with a slam to the door. Usnavi didn't mind Sonny's antics - he was probably mad he was leaving. The bell overlooking the front jangled several more times before it stopped completely, and Usnavi looked up from his efforts with the rice bags. 

"Benny," Usnavi breathed out, a smile creeping on his face. "Don't tell me you're here to rub it in my face that you're taking over the barrio, cause there's not much of a difference now that Dani and her troupe are leaving."

Benny laughed. "What, you think that's all we're friends for? I came here to have a beer with you," he said, making his way past his aisle and into the back area where the Bud Lights were kept in the cooler. "Besides, we need to talk."

"Talk," Usnavi responded, laughing at him and walking to the back to meet Benny. "What is there left to talk about?"

"I'm just worried about you, man. One minute you're up and leaving and the next you're…"

"I'm what?"

"Grieving, which you should be doing right now," Benny told him, thumbing around in his pocket for his keys. He found his bottle opener, clunking the tops of their bottles off before he handed one to Usnavi. 

Usnavi grumbled, but took one nonetheless. "Alright, I'll grieve." He took a swig, reveling in the cold liquid trickling down this throat. The room was beginning to feel a little hot. "How do you want me to grieve?"

There was silence for a moment, before Benny squeezed his shoulder. "You can start by dropping this nonsense."

"I'm sorry- what nonsense? I'm not the one who started making angry faces at the Rosarios the minute Nina came back home."

"This isn't about me," Benny countered, taking another swig of beer until it emptied. "Fuck, I'm grabbing more."

"You're being weird, Benny," Usnavi groaned, rubbing his head some more. The ache was becoming a little too persistent. "What the hell is going on with you?"

The bottle cap flew somewhere under a shelf as Benny popped it off. He didn't care to grab it. "I'm sorry you're not the only one grieving, dude. I loved Abuela too, just as much as you."

"So what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you," Benny yelled, pinching his forehead in exasperation. "God, I'm talking about your stupidly handsome face leaving these parts for a cause you're going to regret!"

Usnavi froze.  _ Stupidly handsome face? The hell was Benny on now? _

"Shit," Benny cursed, taking another swig. "Just - what does DR have that Washington Heights ain't? You've got us all - the Rosarios, the girls at the salon and Piraguero and even Pete! How could you give that up for mojitos on the fucking beach?!"

"It's not like that," Usnavi spat back. "I'm honoring my parents and Abuela! They've always wanted to go back. Haven't you told me to be proud of my goddamn culture?"

"And you are, like you did earlier! See-" he threw his hands up in the air. "Now you're just up and leaving us."

Usnavi balled his fists up, frustrated with Benny's philosophy speak. "Who is us?!"

"The ladies at the salon! The Rosarios, your customers, the taxi drivers, the family you still have here-"

"They're leaving the barrio! Everyone is!"

"Then stay for them!"

"Benny, I don't know why you're so mad at me for going on my free will!"

The beer bottle in his hand could've broken, but Benny put it down in favor of reaching for the third one. "I'm not mad that you're leaving," Benny wetly stated. "I guess I'm a little selfish for thinking you'd stay  _ just  _ for us."

"I would!" Usnavi told him. "I'd stay if everyone wasn't leaving! Dammit, I wish we were that same block from 10 years ago, but Abuela's gone!"  _ My parents are gone,  _ he silently added, something in his heart panging for his parents to come back. 

Benny watched him, eyes steely and wet. "You still have one ace up your sleeve."

"Who?"

His hand took Usnavi's and squeezed it. "Me."

"You want me to stay for you?" Usnavi disbelievingly breathed out. "That's fucking selfish."

Benny let his hand leave Usnavi's. "Y'know what? Maybe I am," he told him. "But man, I can't lose you too. We're partners in crime!"

Usnavi took his hand back. "Benny, what are you trying to get at here?"

They stood there for a moment, Benny's face dropping with the expression he always seemed to look at Usnavi with the night they left his mom.  _ Hopeful. Scared.  _ Usnavi assumed he should walk away, but Benny was making a choice of some sort and-

He pulled him in, pressing their lips together as he held Usnavi's face. Usnavi was frozen in his tracks, eyes wide orbs as he looked at Benny. Benny, with his eyes furiously shut, tears falling while he parted from Usnavi. 

"I thought I could have you, but you looked so in love with Vanessa," Benny told him. "Now that you're leaving, I realized now or never is the time to tell you. Fuck, Usnavi, I'm so in love with you, you don't even fucking know. I just-"

"Benny, I-"

His hands slid away from Usnavi's face, the pads of his fingers brushing in the hopes that he could touch him a minute longer. "I'm just too late."

"Benny, listen to me!"

"Goodbye, Usnavi," he sobbed away from him, already making his way to the door where Vanessa waited, watching Benny storm out. Usnavi watched him, helpless to do anything but stand with his hand reaching for where Benny once stood.  _ Reaching for something he couldn't have, not anymore.  _

The door jangled, and he quickly rubbed his eyes with his arm, facing the new customer. "Sorry, but we're closed," he muttered wetly, looking up and meeting eyes with Vanessa. Vanessa, who looked nothing but a tad shocked of what she had walked into. 

" _ What the hell happened here?" _

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! kudos and comments are a lifeblood. follow me on tumblr @yo-let-me-get-a-milkyway <3


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